On a lengthy Thanksgiving vacation in 1999 I decided to throw caution to the wind and grow a moustache and goatee. ("AND goatee?" I can hear you say -- but technically, a goatee is just chin hair.) This was a risky endeavor, you see, since I have notoriously bizarre facial hair. It's a weird combination of dark brown hairs that grow very slowly and stiff blonde hairs that grow with remarkable speed, and which become nearly translucent in bright light (they may actually be fiberoptic cables, I'm not sure). To my relief, the result didn't look too bad. It didn't look too good, either, so I ended up dyeing it on a weekly basis with "Just For Men" gel. For my Civil War reenactment trip, I pared it down to a moustache and a "mouche" or "soul patch" of hair right beneath my lower lip. If you're not sure what that looks like, think of Doc Holliday, or Frank Zappa. Sometime in late May, I stopped dyeing this remaining facial hair. In mid-July, I shaved off the moustache, leaving me with a blonde soul patch --I was quite the hipster! In September 2000, I got tired of that and shaved it off, too. I created this web page when I still had the goatee, so it's now a memorial of sorts. I've ranked my attempt at facial hair among the kings, princes, and knaves of the goateed world. And I found that I didn't fair too badly at all!
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GREEN ARROW GOOD: A magnificent specimen. If you're going to wear an outfit like that, a huge forked goatee is the perfect thing to top it off. BAD: You could poke your eyes out. RATING: 9.5 out of 10. |
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UNCLE SAM GOOD: It's a timeless classic, appropriate for any occasion. Whether you're gesturing menacingly from a recruiting poster or burning in effigy in another one of those tiresome Cuban protest marches, you'll always be in style! For a human equivalent, check out Green Acre's Mr. Ziffle. BAD: What, no moustache? Plus it reminds me a little of buffoonish soccer player Alexei Lallas, which is VERY BAD. RATING: 8 out of 10. |
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BRUCE WILLIS GOOD: A solid effort all the way around. Bruce was the trendsetter for American men... I remember seeing him with a goatee around 1990 or so. BAD: It really emphasizes how he has the lips of Clara Bow. RATING: 8 out of 10. |
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YOURS TRULY (Thanksgiving 1999 - March 15, 2000) GOOD: Drew attention away from my "problem areas," such as my hairline and everything below the neck region. The side parts of the chin area were sprinkled with a distinguished gray. Surprisingly dense in the moustache area. BAD: A porcupine's needles should be this stiff. The abundance of dishwater blonde hairs among the brown required me to dye it. And that light section you see in the middle of the beard? That's my skin. RATING: 5 out of 10. |
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THE UNDERWOOD DEVILED HAM GUY GOOD: Nice 'n' pointy. Not an easy look to pull off! BAD: It happens to be the exact same color as the rest of his body. I can relate, pal! RATING: 4 out of 10. |
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AJ MCLEAN of the Backstreet Boys GOOD: He's adored by millions of middle-class disposable-income-laden teenage girls, so there must be something about it. BAD: So your facial hair is dense enough and dark enough that you can carve it into tiny runic shapes. That doesn't mean you should actually do it. Was he worried that he didn't look reptilian enough before? RATING: 3.25 out of 10. |
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MARK MCGRATH of Sugar Ray GOOD: Huh. Well, there's... uh... hmm. Let's just move on, shall we? BAD: A little club soda, it wipes right off! RATING: 0 out of 10. |
